Worst To Best: Star Wars Merchandise
12th Aug 2013 | 00:00
Jar Jar Tongue Sucker
The Merch: If you too have harboured long, disturbingly confusing feelings towards Gungans, then this is your best bet at exploring your unsettling sexual urges in the comfort of a children's candy treat. Simply suck Jar Jar's face for guaranteed awkwardness for ALL the family.
Force-Strength Rating: Disturbing. Just… no.
Buy It: You can't anymore. And even if you could, we wouldn't tell you how.
C-3PO Tape Dispenser
The Merch: Need tape? Where better to look than between C-3PO's legs? At least, that's clearly what this 1983 stationery manufacturer was thinking...
Force-Strength Rating: Bad taste doesn't even begin to cover it.
Buy It: You can't anymore. But still, it was well worth a mention wasn't it?
Christmas In The Stars: The Star Wars Christmas Album
The Merch: With timeless classics such as 'What can you get a Wookiee for Christmas?' and 'R2-D2 We wish you a Merry Christmas', you too can embrace the festive force with this utterly, utterly terrible collection of Star Wars-inspired Christmas songs.
Force-Strength Rating: And you thought the Star Wars Christmas Special was bad. About as tangential as they come, this collection of naff festive tunes is guaranteed to elicit more Christmas fear than cheer.
Buy It: A veritable fanboy rarity, you can try and pick up a used copy on eBay or Amazon - with second-hand copies available from $29.97.
Eau Lando Cologne & Slave Leia Perfume
The Merch: Ever fancied smelling like an ex-pirate or an enslaved princess? Now you can! Eau Lando smells like "sensuous woods" and comes with a teeny-tiny blue cape, while Slave Leia is "more powerful than a thermal detonator and yet more comfortable than a metal bikini." We don't know what any of that means.
Force-Strength Rating: Well, you've got to give points for the cape.
Buy It: Shockingly, you can't anymore. We know it's disappointing.
Boba Fett/Transformers Action Figures
The Merch: Part robot, part bloated/pregnant bounty hunter, this action figure takes your favourite jetpack-owning nemesis and turns him into a Slave I vehicle able to fly across the stars.
Force-Strength Rating: Of every fictional crossover we'd love to see the Star Wars gang explore, Transformers isn't really top of the list. And even if it were, we wouldn't want to see our favourite characters morphed into vehicular robots.
Buy It: An undeniable rarity, you can pick up a new version from $50.
Darth Vader Mood Light
The Merch: Want to create a lovely atmosphere in a room? What you need is the absolutely bloody terrifying disembodied head of Darth Vader staring at you with his big, red eyes.
Force-Strength Rating: We're too terrified to suggest it's not positively brimming with forcey goodness.
Buy It: For £32.99 from Forbidden Planet.
Magic 8 Yoda Ball
The Merch: For all those times that you have a crucial life decision but just don't know how to act - simply consult this '80s-tastic Magic 8 Ball. Because if Yoda's telling you what to do, it must be right.
Force-Strength Rating: Low it is. Little quality it has. Paff you buy.
Buy It: While the line has been officially discontinued, keep an eye out on eBay for the odd rarity. The last one went at a snip for only $500.
The Merch: For all those times when you want to purposely butcher the omelette/pancake of choice, why not use this fun-looking but completely impractical R2-D2 spatula? Because hard edges and angular design really help in those moments of sticky frying-pan food-flipping.
Force-Strength Rating: You can't deny that it doesn't at least look like R2-D2. And if you're into imagining burning R2 alive, then we suppose it holds some kind of appeal.
Buy It:Williams-Sonoma ship to the UK, and while they're currently out of stock, you could pick one up for a nifty $15.
Darth Vader Frankenstein Bobble Head
The Merch: In case your children aren't already terrified of Darth Vader, then why not scare them witless with these nonsensical bobble heads that mash-up your favourite Star Wars characters with classic movie monsters. Because. Erm. Nope, we have no idea either.
Force-Strength Rating: Disturbing. Well, sure it LOOKS kinda like Darth Vader. And there's a logo. Nope, we're out.
Buy It: Should you so desire, you can pick one up from the States for just £13.
Luke Fighter Pilot Angry Birds Costume
The Merch: A flimsy, padded reprinting of the Luke Skywalker Angry Bird.
Force-Strength Rating: While we were pleasantly surprised by the Angry Birds: Star Wars game, the predictable merchandise cash-ins are less enduring. It's one thing wanting to play as a Luke Skywalker videogame bird, it's a whole other thing wanting to dress like it.
Buy It: You can pick one up from an array of online costume shops, with the average price around the £25 mark.
Darth Vader Burger
The Merch: An artificially blackened burger bun that housed a greasy, meat-tastic concoction within.
Force-Strength Rating: Available at all good chains of the French fast food outlet Quick to celebrate the 3D re-release of Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace back in 2012, it certainly has the official seal of approval. Best not to mention the fact that Darth Vader doesn't even appear in his Dark Side regalia in The Phantom Menace.
Buy It: Alas, they're no longer available. Probably for the best. That bun is terrifying.
Star Wars Fishing Kit
The Merch: Love fishing but just don't know how to make it even geekier? Well the Star Wars fishing collection is here to help - with a lightsaber-style fishing rod, a fishing backpack and a Darth Vader net all on hand to help you stand out amongst your other social outcasts.
Force-Strength Rating: While we LOVE the idea of Darth Vader getting his wellies and fishing trip on, this really is about as loose a brand connection as you could hope to imagine.
Buy It: While they're now no longer widely available, you can find all the info about the set here.
The Merch: Love Yoda but always wanted to get just that little bit closer to him? Well now you can be literally inside him, with these terrifying Yoda slippers.
Force-Strength Rating: They look more like even-more-aged versions of The Muppets' Statler and Waldorf. At the very least, they should be green!
Buy It: Nab your own pair for a bargainous $25.
Darth Vader CD Player
The Merch: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, people used to use CDs. And they were able to play them on an AM/FM radio/CD player combo fashioned into the guise of a Darth Vader helmet.
Force-Strength Rating: Get over the nerd-enraging fact that his mask lifts up from the middle for each CD, and the design's at least faithful to the original.
Buy It: It may be out of production for now, but when it comes back into stock, you're looking at paying a tidy $55.
The Merch: Should R2-D2 ever snuff it in the movie universe, at least we now know he'll still be useful around the house. Turn your friendly neighbourhood robot butler into an aquatic playground! Not only does he hold 1 3/4-gallon of water in his central compartment, but your fish can be amused/terrified by the aquarium's ability to 'bleep' and rotate its head on command - oh, and you've even got a built-in periscope via the eyepiece to spy on your fishes form above.
Force-Strength Rating: Not only is it a surrogate fish house, but it bleeps AND moves its head. Sold.
Buy It: Alas, it's not longer available commercially, so your best bet's hunting it down on eBay. Or bookmark this page in case it comes back into production.
Darth Vader Toaster
The Merch: Toast isn't something one might automatically associate with the Star Wars universe, but here it is regardless. With Darth Vader's face on it.
Force-Strength Rating: Who doesn't want to wake up to that?
Buy It: Even if you could still get one, we're not sure the toast would be the tastiest ever. It looks kind of burned in the middle.
The Merch: This 1984 breakfast cereal comprises a golden combination of oats, wheat and corn. It has vitamins and minerals and all that good stuff - but most importantly C-3PO is on the freaking box.
Force-Strength Rating: Tasty, tasty, very, very tasty. Wait, no‚ that's Bran Flakes.
Buy It: You can buy the empty boxes on eBay for around £26.00-ish.
Guess Who? Star Wars Edition
The Merch: You know the game, you've played it before. But now you get to use the force to find out who is causing the disturbance and defeat the dark side‚ or, at least, that's what it says on the box.
Force-Strength Rating: Meh. Star Wars characters or no, it's still just Guess Who?
Buy It: For £9.99 from Forbidden Planet.
Operation: Star Wars R2-D2 Edition
The Merch: Another kids' classic gets a makeover, but instead of operating on a creepy dude we get to fix the Rebel Alliance's favorite Astromech droid.
Force-Strength Rating: He may just be a droid, but we still don't feel entirely comfortable fiddling about with R2's cranky crankshaft.
Buy It: For £22.99 from Forbidden Planet.
Mr Potato Head Darth Vader
The Merch: The classic spud gets an update, Sith-style. There's a mask and a helmet and everything.
Force-Strength Rating: If there was ever anything that could make Mr Potato Head better it's a cape and a lightsaber.
Buy It: For £13.55 from Amazon.
The Merch: Guarantee your child a lifetime of bullying with this fuzzy cuddly toy-cum-backpack, which clings to your back like a fuzzy koala.
Force-Strength Rating: Get over the dead, dead eyes, and it kinda looks like a Wookiee. Ish.
Buy It: Pick one up on Amazon from *just* £41.
Lightsaber Bedroom Light
The Merch: A wall-mountable room light in the style of a lightsaber.
Force-Strength Rating: With a remote control, and eight different colours to play with, it certainly looks the part - although we can't help but feel the actual effect would be more distracting than illuminating.
Buy It: Available on eBay from £30.
Star Wars Frog Habitat
The Merch: A frog habitat modelled in the style of Yoda's place of exile, Dagobah, allowing you to house a couple of hippity-hoppity amphibians and learn more about their role in the environment.
Force-Strength Rating: The detail's nice (includes a 'Hideaway Hut'), and we suppose anything that helps children learn more about science is a good thing. Random though.
Buy It: Amazon house a host of Star Wars: Science related paraphernalia. Grab the Frog Habitat when it's back in stock.
Lando Calrissian Disguise
The Merch: As one of the most impressive movie moustaches of all time, this 'authentic' replica is easy to stick-on, and quick to tickle.
Force-Strength Rating: We're guessing this isn't the most official bit of kit (it was made exclusively for the 2010 Star Wars Celebration), but it's hard to deny the fanboy/girl-pleasing pleasure of strapping an impressively furry moustache to your upper lip and embracing your inner scoundrel.
Buy It: As they were made exclusively for the 2010 Star Wars celebration, your best bet is nabbing one off eBay. Average cost around $15.
Glowing Lightsaber Sunglasses
The Merch: The harsh Mos Eisley sun can be pretty wearful and tearful on the old peepers - so why not accessorise your Jedi robe with these nifty glowing lightsaber sunglasses?
Force-Strength Rating: They may not make a 'VWOOM' noise when you boot them up, and you'd likely only notice them lit up at night (ergo, pointless), but they're certainly snazzy.
Buy It: At just $17, they're cheaper than most 'real' sunglasses.
His 'n' Hers T-Shirts
The Merch: As Han Solo's about to be put into a carbonite casing by bounty hunter Boba Fett, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) says, "I love you." And one of the most famous moments in cinema history is born as Harrison Ford utters that retort: "I know". It was perfect‚ and then someone put it on a pair of matching t-shirts.
Force-Strength Rating: Excuse us while we throw up all over it.
Buy It: Why? Oh, never mind‚ get them here and here for about £17 each.
William Shakespeare's Star Wars
The Merch: May the verse be with you! (Ha! Ha! Geddit?) Author Ian Doescher retells the saga of a wise (Jedi) knight and an evil (Sith) lord in traditional iambic pentameter.
Force-Strength Rating: It rhymes! It rhymes!
Buy It: For £8.27 from Amazon.
Star Wars Origami
The Merch: What better way for a fan to show their love of Star Wars than to fold bits of paper into things that look like things from the film?
Force-Strength Rating: Why make a paper plane when you can make a Millennium Falcon?
Buy It: For £9.80 from Waterstones.
Funko Rebel Alliance Fold-Up Headphones
The Merch: Garish, yes, but there'll be no mistaking your allegiances if you're sporting these bright orange Rebel Alliance-branded headphones on the tube.
Force-Strength Rating: Sorry? What? We can't hear you.
Buy It: For £24.95 from Amazon.
Ice Cube Trays (Various)
The Merch: Didn't think gin and tonics could get any better? Wrong. Now they can come complete with a floating Han Solo in carbonite, or a stormtrooper head, or Boba Fett's face.
Force-Strength Rating: Smirk, you may, but you know they're awesome really.
Buy It: For about £8.00 from Amazon.
The Star Wars Cookbooks
The Merch: Embrace your inner intergalactic Nigella with a couple of cookbooks that offer such gastronomic delights as 'Wookiee Cookies', 'Boba Fett-Uccine' and 'Darth Malt'.
Force-Strength Rating: Bonus points for the ingenious stupidity of each dish recipe, but we can't help but feel this isn't what Han and co would be eating in the real Star Wars universe.
Buy It: Available from just £13 each.
iPhone Carbonite Case
The Merch: A surprisingly tasteful back cover for your iPhone, replicating the classic scene from The Empire Strikes Back in which Han Solo's encased in carbonite.
Force-Strength Rating: It certainly looks the part, and it's pretty durable to boot. Force-strength high.
Buy It: You can pick one up from eBay for around a tenner.
The Merch: A 'soft luxurious fleece' in the style of a Jedi robe, replete with embroidered Jedi logo.
Force-Strength Rating: The colouring may mean you look more like a Tuskan Raider (AKA Sand People), but it's guaranteed sci-fi ambience in a onesie.
Buy It: Available from just £30.
R2-D2 Christmas Lights
The Merch: Arguably the most useful Star Wars Christmas merchandise doing the rounds, you can string up a host of tiny, glowing R2-D2s around your pine tree for some festive, nerdy fun.
Force-Strength Rating: Looks like R2-D2. Glows like R2-D2. Spot on.
Buy It: Unsurprisingly, they usually come back into stock around November/December time. Grab a set of 10 for just $30.
Talking Wicket the Ewok Plush With Box
The Merch: Ewoks are the Marmite of the Star Wars universe - some love them and some are really going to hate this cuddly nine inch talking Wicket.
Force-Strength Rating: It talks. It talks!
Buy It: For £14.99 from Forbidden Planet.
Star Wars: Dark Empire Trilogy
The Merch: Want to know what happened after Jedi? Look no further. Tom Veitch and Cam Kennedy's comic sees the Empire reborn, Luke dabble with the dark side and Leia and Han struggle to run the New Republic. Oh, and the art's lovely.
Force-Strength Rating: You can bet your bottom dollar this'll provide the backstory for Episode VII, so it's essential reading, really.
Buy It: If you can find it, for around a tenner.
C-3PO Seiko Brightz Watch
The Merch: Seiko's limited edition luxury timepieces, released in 2012, are actually genuinely quite gorgeous. There are designs based on R2-D2, Yoda, Darth Vader, Darth Maul and the Stormtrooper, but the black and gold C-3P0 version is the prettiest.
Force-Strength Rating: So strong, and so pretty.
Buy It: From around £800.00-ish on eBay.
The Merch: Well, if you're going to do it, you might as well do it right - right? The only thing that could possibly make a onesie acceptable is a Star Wars theme.
Force-Strength Rating: By Alderaan's ghosts it looks comfy.
Buy It: For £36.99 from Forbidden Planet.
Star Wars: The Complete Saga Episodes I-VI Blu-rays
The Merch: Nine Blu-rays housing every movie to date, in glorious high definition, and with over 40+ hours of special features to boot.
Force-Strength Rating: An obvious one, but the definitive way to own the entire saga in its entirety. Well, we say definitive, but that's until George Lucas reveals yet another collection of unseen extras, or remasters the whole thing in 3D/smellovision etc etc.
Buy It: Grab the whole thing on Amazon for £70.
Wampa Plush Throw Rug
The Merch: Blighty gets colder than Hoth of a winter, but this fluffy Wampa rug looks pretty snuggly and warm.
Force-Strength Rating: Granted, it's better than crawling inside a tauntaun, but pretty this ain't.
Buy It: For £205.99 from Amazon.
Tauntaun Sleeping Bag
The Merch: Forget what we said about the Wampa rug being better than crawling inside a Tauntaun. You actually can crawl inside a Tauntaun.
Force-Strength Rating: IT HAS A SADDLE.
Buy It: We're not sure you can anymore but let us know if you find one, yeah?
The Merch: A pair of 9" chopsticks fashioned after Darth Maul's double-bladed saberstaff (after Obi-Wan split it in two, that is).
Force-Strength Rating: If anything can help us eat sushi easier, it's these.
Buy It: For £8.99 from Forbidden Planet.
The Merch: Dress your dog up like a Tauntaun, AT-AT, Dewback and Bantha!
Force-Strength Rating: Sure, it's bordering on animal cruelty but how funny do their little furry faces look when they're mortally embarrassed? Daw.
Buy It:Costume Craze has an array to choose from from a bargain-tastic $25.
Death Star Trash Compactor Bookends
The Merch: Keep your book collection in place with these toy-like bookends reproducing the classic 'we're gonna get squished' scene from A New Hope.
Force-Strength Rating: As far as product alignment goes, it's hard to deny this works on pretty every level. And it'd look perfect housing all your favourite Star Wars novella spin-offs.
Buy It: While they're currently pretty rare, you can grab one from Amazon when it's in stock.
Space Slug Oven Mitt
The Merch: Relive one of The Empire Strikes Back's most fun chase scenes, with an oven mitt in the shape of the space slug that chows down on the Millennium Falcon.
Force-Strength Rating: Get over the fact that you're essentially fisting an Exogorth's back passage, and it's as pop-culture as it is practical.
Buy It: No longer available to the masses, your best bet is a regular search on eBay.
Star Wars Force FX Lightsaber
The Merch: Surely the most desired item on any Star Wars fan's wish list, the lightsaber is the ultimate Star Wars product. Whether you want a Luke or a Vader or a fruity Mace Windu version, they're all pretty special.
Force-Strength Rating: Vwooom-vwooom-vwooom. Go away, we're busy.
Buy It: For about £150 from Amazon.
R2-D2 DVD Projector
The Merch: The versatile little droid might not project an image of Princess Leia, but it will play DVDs and your iPod. As if that weren't enough the remote is a replica of the Millennium Falcon, and R2 makes noises and moves. There is no bad here.
Force-Strength Rating: This just might be the coolest thing ever.
Buy It: eBay's probably your best bet, but be warned - they don't come cheap.
Darth Vader Beer Fridge (With Vodka Pump)
The Merch: Artist Tom Sachs woke up one day and decided the only thing that could make booze better was a touch of the force. And lo, the Vader fridge was born.
Force-Strength Rating: BOOZE.
Buy It: We don't think he makes them to order, but it might be worth an email.
Collectors Helmet: Boba Fett
The Merch: A recreation of Fett's Mandalorian helmet in rigid plastic, with a smoked viewplate and moveable antenna.
Force-Strength Rating: It might seem a bit pointless, until you stick it on your head and say: "I have made contact with the rebels and all is proceeding as you wished, Darth Vader." Then it becomes awesome.
Buy It: For £64.99 from Forbidden Planet.
LEGO Ultimate Collector's Millennium Falcon
The Merch: The most detailed Star Wars LEGO kit in existence, you'll have over 5,000 pieces to help replicate Han Solo's smuggling starship in all its glory.
Force-Strength Rating: Super-faithful, and super-specific (it's built exactly to mini-figure scale), it's the ultimate LEGO dream.
Buy It: While it's now discontinued and very hard to find, you can still pick up a kit on Amazon for a super-cheap £3,500.